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| | | Finding Strength and Grace Through Suffering | | | Tara Enns, Solution Pathways | | | Recently I've had a number of clients speak with me about serious emotional issues in their lives around loss, separation and different kinds of traumatic change. For most of us, dealing with the loss of a loved one, the pain of divorce or separation or other sudden traumatic disruptions to our lives leaves us feeling alone, isolated and in a seemingly hopeless place. It is during these times we often feel helpless with limited options for help and support, and even less energy and motivation to think and act resourcefully for ourselves. Through my work with my coaching clients, my past experience as a grief and trauma counsellor and my own life experience, I have learned that sometimes our darkest and most painful experiences can not only strengthen and make us more resilient, but can also provide us with unique and unexpected opportunities for growth, learning and positive self transformation. I invite you to consider that pain, sadness and grief don't exist in isolation but silently coexist with pathways to higher levels of personal development and consciousness. If you think about it, when we are drifting along happily with no upsetting issues or concerns, we tend to coast and enjoy the ride and it is not typically a time when we actively engage in self reflection or ways to improve ourselves. In other words, for most, when things are good, there is often lower motivation to initiate positive change. However, when things are terribly wrong, our attention becomes forcibly drawn to the areas in our lives that need change, healing and repair. Negative emotional states can have positive side effects for us that we can't immediately see or be conscious of, but they are there nonetheless. Sometimes going through difficult times can show us our qualities,skills or sources of strength we didn't know we had or needed. Sometimes an emotionally vulnerable state can bring out softer aspects of our personalities such as inner grace or compassion that in turn, deepens our connection to others. The process of grief or suffering can highlight or draw your focus to things in your life that might be requiring your attention such as relationship issues that have been ignored or unresolved parts of our self we have been neglecting. As well, through pain, a deeper level of consciousness can be achieved, through which one can explore their darker or shadow self, or the aspects of the self that produce anger, fear, jealousy, sadness and shame, and then channel and transform those energies into something more adaptive. Throughout history we have seen how great works of creative expression such as art, music and literature have often come through loss, pain and suffering, as emotional despair becomes a vehicle for producing something of beauty and inspiration. More recently, we have seen how when horrible tragedies occur such as the fall of the World Trade Centre Towers or the very recent Newtown shootings, a new connection forms between groups of people who would normally never come together or a new culture of support and good will develops out of shared sadness. I have had the fortune to see some examples in my own work, of the way in which grief and sadness has transformed itself into more positive states of grace and connection to the self and others. Recently I worked with a client dealing the sudden death of a parent, who had been abusive to her throughout her childhood. The death of this parent brought up many painful past memories as well as a substantial amount of present day family fallout and separation. Throughout this ordeal, my client was able to focus on what the possible meaning of this experience was for her in terms of moving forward in her current life and the lives of her young family. In confronting the painful and conflicted emotions she was experiencing, she consciously chose to channel the energy of her suffering into healing other areas of life. In our last session, she reported that not only had a creative outlet opened for her in terms of her writing and music, but that upon reflecting on her past abuse, she had started to ask herself who her identity was now within her own family and about the kind of parent she wanted to be versus remaining focused on the grief she felt about kind of parent she had never had. As a result of her transforming her pain into personal growth, she found that almost instantly her relationship with her own children was starting to noticeably improve, strengthen and develop, and that as a result, her children's self expression and behaviour were positively changing as well. In other words, her pain and loss became the gateway to a deeper connection with the people most important in her life. Another client of mine recently suffered the loss of a close friend while at the same time dealing with her own physical recovery after a serious accident. In dealing with her grief and feelings of isolation, she began to reflect on the concept of "Gratitude" and lost opportunities to express it to certain people who had touched her life. Her reflection inspired her to action and she used her recovery time to begin writing individual letters of thanks to people in her lifetime who had supported and helped her in some way. Through her act of good will, expecting nothing in return, she told me that she had experienced a renewed sense of growth and connection to herself and had become aware of her own inner sources of personal power and ability to find peace and grace in painful times of loss. In my own life, I experienced the transformation of pain into personal growth during a very difficult time around the arrival of my youngest child. Prior to her birth, we learned of my daughter's extremely serious heart defect and the worst case possibility that she would not survive her birth or that if she did, she could potentially be severely disabled with a very poor quality of life. With this news, I found myself in a very hopeless place of self pity, asking why this had happened to me and my family, and thinking only of how any of the described outcomes would negatively impact myself, my husband and our other two children. I remember that from somewhere, a thought came to me that shifted my perspective in a more resourceful direction, in that perhaps there was some purpose and meaning to this as a life lesson in strength, and that as painful as the experience was, the challenges for this child could be seen as a gift to our family in terms of teaching us the value of life versus taking it for granted. Thinking from this perspective gave me a sense of peace and acceptance and helped me to cope with the difficult times that followed. I am happy to say that my daughter is 5 years old now and thankfully, is doing very well all things considered, and she continues to inspire and teach us daily in terms of her strength and spirit. In looking back, I also see that while I was initially concerned about the negative effects of having a special needs child and sibling for my sons, through their experience of supporting her through her hospital stays, open heart surgery and physical challenges early on, they have themselves learned great personal lessons around empathy, caring, strength and hope. I want to be clear that I'm not saying that when we suffer a trauma, lose someone or go through major problems in our lives it is wrong to feel badly and that we just need to "stay positive", it's not about being positive - these things hurt and rock our world and there's no denying that. However, we need to remember that sometimes a tower needs to be broken or come crashing down before something new and beautiful can be rebuilt, and I do believe that we always, at the very least, have choice in terms of bringing something positive out from pain. We are all capable of transformative work within ourselves, the key is to remind ourselves to see dark times as part of our strengthening life lessons and at some point, when it makes sense in the process of coping, to encourage ourselves to act in alignment with that thought versus staying stuck and hopeless in negative states. Some questions that are helpful to ask one's self during painful and challenging times are as follows: What is the life lesson or message for me right now? What am I learning from this? What is my attention being drawn to that requires change? How might this situation be helping me to grow and develop? How is this situation transforming the way I see things and perceive the world? How will what I am going through now help me and others around me later? How can this situation help to deepen my connection to others in my life?What darker aspects of my own self are being expressed right now and how can I transform them into something positive and meaningful? What is a healthy outlet of expression I can use to channel my feelings? On a closing note, a client with whom I was recently speaking about the concept of "Grace" drew my attention to a quote from WM Paul Young's book The Shack that seems fitting here. "Grace doesn't depend of suffering to exist but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors" | |
| | | Finding Strength and Grace Through Suffering | | | Tara Enns, Solution Pathways | | | Recently I've had a number of clients speak with me about serious emotional issues in their lives around loss, separation and different kinds of traumatic change. For most of us, dealing with the loss of a loved one, the pain of divorce or separation or other sudden traumatic disruptions to our lives leaves us feeling alone, isolated and in a seemingly hopeless place. It is during these times we often feel helpless with limited options for help and support, and even less energy and motivation to think and act resourcefully for ourselves. Through my work with my coaching clients, my past experience as a grief and trauma counsellor and my own life experience, I have learned that sometimes our darkest and most painful experiences can not only strengthen and make us more resilient, but can also provide us with unique and unexpected opportunities for growth, learning and positive self transformation. I invite you to consider that pain, sadness and grief don't exist in isolation but silently coexist with pathways to higher levels of personal development and consciousness. If you think about it, when we are drifting along happily with no upsetting issues or concerns, we tend to coast and enjoy the ride and it is not typically a time when we actively engage in self reflection or ways to improve ourselves. In other words, for most, when things are good, there is often lower motivation to initiate positive change. However, when things are terribly wrong, our attention becomes forcibly drawn to the areas in our lives that need change, healing and repair. Negative emotional states can have positive side effects for us that we can't immediately see or be conscious of, but they are there nonetheless. Sometimes going through difficult times can show us our qualities,skills or sources of strength we didn't know we had or needed. Sometimes an emotionally vulnerable state can bring out softer aspects of our personalities such as inner grace or compassion that in turn, deepens our connection to others. The process of grief or suffering can highlight or draw your focus to things in your life that might be requiring your attention such as relationship issues that have been ignored or unresolved parts of our self we have been neglecting. As well, through pain, a deeper level of consciousness can be achieved, through which one can explore their darker or shadow self, or the aspects of the self that produce anger, fear, jealousy, sadness and shame, and then channel and transform those energies into something more adaptive. Throughout history we have seen how great works of creative expression such as art, music and literature have often come through loss, pain and suffering, as emotional despair becomes a vehicle for producing something of beauty and inspiration. More recently, we have seen how when horrible tragedies occur such as the fall of the World Trade Centre Towers or the very recent Newtown shootings, a new connection forms between groups of people who would normally never come together or a new culture of support and good will develops out of shared sadness. I have had the fortune to see some examples in my own work, of the way in which grief and sadness has transformed itself into more positive states of grace and connection to the self and others. Recently I worked with a client dealing the sudden death of a parent, who had been abusive to her throughout her childhood. The death of this parent brought up many painful past memories as well as a substantial amount of present day family fallout and separation. Throughout this ordeal, my client was able to focus on what the possible meaning of this experience was for her in terms of moving forward in her current life and the lives of her young family. In confronting the painful and conflicted emotions she was experiencing, she consciously chose to channel the energy of her suffering into healing other areas of life. In our last session, she reported that not only had a creative outlet opened for her in terms of her writing and music, but that upon reflecting on her past abuse, she had started to ask herself who her identity was now within her own family and about the kind of parent she wanted to be versus remaining focused on the grief she felt about kind of parent she had never had. As a result of her transforming her pain into personal growth, she found that almost instantly her relationship with her own children was starting to noticeably improve, strengthen and develop, and that as a result, her children's self expression and behaviour were positively changing as well. In other words, her pain and loss became the gateway to a deeper connection with the people most important in her life. Another client of mine recently suffered the loss of a close friend while at the same time dealing with her own physical recovery after a serious accident. In dealing with her grief and feelings of isolation, she began to reflect on the concept of "Gratitude" and lost opportunities to express it to certain people who had touched her life. Her reflection inspired her to action and she used her recovery time to begin writing individual letters of thanks to people in her lifetime who had supported and helped her in some way. Through her act of good will, expecting nothing in return, she told me that she had experienced a renewed sense of growth and connection to herself and had become aware of her own inner sources of personal power and ability to find peace and grace in painful times of loss. In my own life, I experienced the transformation of pain into personal growth during a very difficult time around the arrival of my youngest child. Prior to her birth, we learned of my daughter's extremely serious heart defect and the worst case possibility that she would not survive her birth or that if she did, she could potentially be severely disabled with a very poor quality of life. With this news, I found myself in a very hopeless place of self pity, asking why this had happened to me and my family, and thinking only of how any of the described outcomes would negatively impact myself, my husband and our other two children. I remember that from somewhere, a thought came to me that shifted my perspective in a more resourceful direction, in that perhaps there was some purpose and meaning to this as a life lesson in strength, and that as painful as the experience was, the challenges for this child could be seen as a gift to our family in terms of teaching us the value of life versus taking it for granted. Thinking from this perspective gave me a sense of peace and acceptance and helped me to cope with the difficult times that followed. I am happy to say that my daughter is 5 years old now and thankfully, is doing very well all things considered, and she continues to inspire and teach us daily in terms of her strength and spirit. In looking back, I also see that while I was initially concerned about the negative effects of having a special needs child and sibling for my sons, through their experience of supporting her through her hospital stays, open heart surgery and physical challenges early on, they have themselves learned great personal lessons around empathy, caring, strength and hope. I want to be clear that I'm not saying that when we suffer a trauma, lose someone or go through major problems in our lives it is wrong to feel badly and that we just need to "stay positive", it's not about being positive - these things hurt and rock our world and there's no denying that. However, we need to remember that sometimes a tower needs to be broken or come crashing down before something new and beautiful can be rebuilt, and I do believe that we always, at the very least, have choice in terms of bringing something positive out from pain. We are all capable of transformative work within ourselves, the key is to remind ourselves to see dark times as part of our strengthening life lessons and at some point, when it makes sense in the process of coping, to encourage ourselves to act in alignment with that thought versus staying stuck and hopeless in negative states. Some questions that are helpful to ask one's self during painful and challenging times are as follows: What is the life lesson or message for me right now? What am I learning from this? What is my attention being drawn to that requires change? How might this situation be helping me to grow and develop? How is this situation transforming the way I see things and perceive the world? How will what I am going through now help me and others around me later? How can this situation help to deepen my connection to others in my life?What darker aspects of my own self are being expressed right now and how can I transform them into something positive and meaningful? What is a healthy outlet of expression I can use to channel my feelings? On a closing note, a client with whom I was recently speaking about the concept of "Grace" drew my attention to a quote from WM Paul Young's book The Shack that seems fitting here. "Grace doesn't depend of suffering to exist but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors" | |
| | | Getting Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable | | | Tara Enns, Solution Pathways | | | Recently, I have been doing a lot of thinking and talking about the concept of pushing one's limits and breaking out of "the comfort zone". In my work as a coach, my job is to get my clients to examine the limiting patterns and beliefs that are holding them back and keeping them stuck and to then push through those patterns so they achieve the goals and outcomes they are after. Getting people to push their limits is, in some ways, really hard to do, and the reason is called RESISTANCE. In every coaching process, resistance inevitably pops up at one point or another, whereby after making some good progress, the client all of a sudden starts doubting their goal or starts doing things that actually block the goal sabotaging their own result. Putting up barriers and blocking progress towards what we want to achieve may seem counter intuitive, but the intention is self protective in nature, despite its negative outcome. We are all largely driven by self protection, and the limits we put in place for ourselves are usually motivated by our deepest fears with some kind of protective purpose, but the problem is that moving forward and achieving big things in our lives demands a certain level of risk and change. In other words, the fear of failure and the fear of success are really two sides of the same coin - we unconsciously fear making progress and creating change because we know that on some level it will involve moving out of our comfort zone and taking risks and so part way through our achieving a goal it becomes really tempting to back off, stay complacent and take the path of least resistance where we can be safe and seemingly comfortable. This is where we might hear ourselves saying, "Things aren't that bad, so why bother?", "Is this worth the risk/discomfort - maybe things are ok the way they are?" For most people, the answer is no, things are not ok the way they are, which is why they were looking for change in the first place, but the overwhelming need to stay safe and comfortable is what's running the show. So how do you know if it is time to start pushing your own limits and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable? Perhaps you have been feeling bored or uninspired with your regular routine? Maybe you are feeling as though something is missing? Maybe there is an idea you keep avoiding about something you want to change or try for the first time? Maybe you have already achieved a moderate degree of success and are stuck in a place of "Now what - should I do more or just be happy with where I'm at?" If any of these are feeling familiar, one of the first things you can do to move through your own resistance is to really start being honest about what you really want and what fears are holding you back. We are afraid of all kinds of things - embarrassment, showing strong emotion, making wrong choices, looking foolish or incompetent, losing control, being overwhelmed, going through uncomfortable change, feeling judgement from others - the list goes on and on, but ask yourself what you are afraid of and why? Is that fear still relevant in your life or are you in a different place now with new skills and resources? Is holding onto that fear and letting it run you truly helping you or is it holding you back in a way that is creating more damage in your life? The answers are different for everybody, but chances are, if you are feeling stuck or dissatisfied with some area of your life, there is fear and resistance of some kind blocking you from making positive change. Once you know what fears are running you, you can consciously decide to release or overcome them and move forward. For some it's about baby steps and breaking down their goals into bite size pieces that don't trigger as much fear, and for others it feels more right to charge forward and push through their fears all at once. What ever way you choose is just fine as long as somehow you find a way to create the change you really want to have - if the outcome is something that is meaningful to you, getting over the fear is really worth it vs. staying safe and "comfortable" in dissatisfaction. When you push your limits and challenge yourself in positive ways, there is always value no matter what, even if things don't go exactly as planned. Maybe you will uncover a new or lost skill or inner resources you didn't know you had? Perhaps you will learn more about yourself and find out you are stronger or more resilient then you think? Maybe you will connect with a part of you that's become lost over the years? What if taking on a new challenge opens you up to new influences, ideas and opportunities? What if going outside your safe zone leads you in an exciting direction you hadn't thought of before? Don't you want to find out in your life sooner than later? I know that I certainly don't want to be at the end of my life looking back regretfully at not having tried or done something I wanted to do based solely on fear. Doesn't the idea of that just seem unacceptable when you think about it in that way? In that light, I want to personally share that I will be pushing myself way out of a comfortable place over the next year. Being at a stage in my own life where I have already achieved many of my personal and professional goals, I have found myself looking for an exciting and limit pushing challenge to take me to a new level in my personal development (I have learned that I am definitely a "so now what?" kind of person). I have committed to a one year process of training for and competing in the 2013 Spartan Challenge - a 5km obstacle course mud-race (totally crazy) designed to test one's psychical and mental endurance and strength. Anyone who knows me will agree that this goal is 100% outside of my comfort zone - so much so, I can honestly say I am absolutely terrified at the thought of it. All of my deepest fears are present and in living colour here - public embarrassment, looking weak, foolish or incompetent, showing strong emotion, physical pain and trauma - it's a one stop shop of fear for me!! However, having said that, above and beyond my terror, is a whole new sense of vitality, adventure and excitement attached to trying something beyond my comfortable limits and that is even more motivating for me now than the need to protect myself. It is going to be really tough - I mean really really tough, and I know that I will resist, doubt and probably hate this goal multiple times along the way, but I know that what will keep me going is the promise of all the things to be gained from the experience. So, enough about me, why not ask yourself today, where is the limit of your own comfort, how will you begin to push on it and how great will it be when you are through it on the other side? | |
| | | Training Your Unconscious To Think Better Thoughts | | | Tara Enns, Solution Pathways | | | A large part of what I do as a coach is to listen very closely to the language and words people use when they speak. The importance of this is that our words are an outward illustration of our inner thoughts, dialogues and images we carry in our unconscious, that in turn shape our feelings, attitudes and behaviour. I believe that there is a constant reciprocal relationship that flows between our conscious and unconscious minds - we consciously think a thought that forms our speech and corresponding mental picture, that picture is sent to the unconscious, is stored there and becomes the template or foundation for future actions, feelings or thoughts. Awareness of this is critical when trying to initiate some kind of positive change. If we engage in a negative view of ourselves or our life situations, it creates a negative picture in our minds - almost like an internal movie screen that is playing over and over again in our conscious and unconscious. The problem is that on some level, we start buying in to these pictures and forming our actions and responses in alignment with what we are seeing. For example, let's say that a person is looking for a new job, but is internalizing negative messages about the likelihood of finding that job. The conscious thought might be something like " I am not going to find a new job - it is too hard right now in this market." Once this thought is formed and/or stated, a mental picture enters the unconscious, becoming the image the person carries around that then influences their beliefs, attitudes and actions. So following the same job search example, when thinking of writing cover letters or sending out applications, this picture is still there unconsciously, and starts to affect the energy and motivation the person exerts to the extent that it might even dissuade them from writing that letter or application that day e.g. " If I am not going to find a job, why should I bother trying?", and there begins the downward spiral. So ok, I am not saying that if you just "think positively" everything will work out and it is the magic solution to your problems and challenges, but I am saying that by making an effort to form our thoughts and speech more constructively we send a message to the unconscious mechanisms that drive our thoughts and behaviours that then support and align with a positive outcome. Now, you might be feeling skeptical about the degree to which we can control our unconscious minds and so I want to share a story from my own life that may help illustrate this as, at least, a possibility. My 6 year old son, has a very active dream life, but has unfortunately been plagued by nightmares almost every night for the past few years. A couple of months ago, he was crying before bed, telling me that he was afraid to go to sleep, because he knew that he would have a bad dream. I told him that I had a very special trick he could try that would help and that by using this trick, he could control whether or not he had a bad dream. The trick went like this: I asked him to think of a picture or image of something that was not scary and that made him very happy (he picked a rainbow - so cute) and right before bed, to imagine that this happy picture was floating right above his head. When he could see or feel it there, I asked him then to imagine that the top of his head gently opened up and that the happy picture came down and filled up his mind and that by doing this, there was no longer any more room for bad or scary dreams. He took this very seriously, and said he would have to go into the bathroom and look in the mirror so he could watch himself bring the image down into his head - I said "OK, if that works for you, why not". We had success right from the very first night, bringing us to the present where every night, as part of his bedtime routine, he goes and does what he calls his "Rainbow Thinking" in the bathroom. I am not allowed to watch this ritual, however, from what I hear from outside the door, it's possible that there might be some kind of a dance move involved too - whatever helps I suppose. I am happy to report that there has not been a bad dream in over two months, except for the one night when he said he forgot to do his routine. The point of this story is that I believe by consciously implanting a more happy thought in his mind, and believing that it would work, my son was able to change the focus and direction his unconscious mind was habitually prone to resulting in a positive outcome for him and a feeling of greater control and resourcefulness - if a six year old can do it then I think we can too with a little conscious effort and willingness to suspend disbelief. I invite you to start listening to yourself for the words you use and the thoughts you think - what messages are you sending to your own unconscious and how are these messages manifesting in your outward life? If the answer isn't a good one, start training your two minds to think better thoughts that support where you want to be - you never know, a rainbow might appear in your unconscious when you least expect it. | |
| | | Addressing Imbalance | | | Tara Enns, Solution Pathways | | | Frequently, I work with clients who are struggling to maintain "Life Balance". While this has become a frequent and commonplace term, actually achieving it, still seems to be elusive for many. I think that in order to properly look at ways of achieving balance, the causes of imbalance must first be addressed. Speaking from my own experience with clients and the issues they struggle with, the following are the most common factors I observe, that contribute to stress, anxiety and an overall feeling of a non-balanced or fulfilled life. The first factor, and in my opinion the most important, is a fundamental misalignment with ones' own value system. Values are the qualities or essesnces that make up the fabric of our life experience e.g. peace, tranquility, adventure, fun, challenge, beauty etc. Our core values are at the heart and soul of who we are and what we are here to do. They are our guiding principles and are the basis for anything we are intrinsically motivated to expend energy towards. The problem is that many of us are not consciously aware of what our values actually are - if asked what ones' top ten values are, many are hard pressed to name any off the top of our heads (I know, because believe me, I have asked a lot of people over the years!) - we just aren't used to thinking along these lines. In many ways we move through life in a kind of detached auto pilot, living unconnected from ourselves and making key decisions in alignment with external feedback. In essence we lose touch with our own internal operating system and what is truly important to us, and fall into alignment with value systems external to ourselves - perhaps the system of our spouse, our extended families, our employers, our social networks our community etc? Somewhere along the line we have forgotten how to listen first and foremost to ourselves and align with what is truly important and vital to our own state of well being. When I listen to my clients, a reliable clue that indicates a value misalignment is the frequent use of the word "should" e.g. "I should have an immaculate house and so I spend all my time cleaning", "I am bored but should stay in this job for security purposes", Now please don't misunderstand, I am not neccessarily saying that any of these things are wrong - I myself enjoy a clean house, however, if preceded by a "should" chances are there is a lack of internal motivational energy behind these pursuits - in other words, we are not intrinsically connected to why we are doing them, and if we spend a good portion of our time doing things we are not motivated to do, that just in itself will create imbalance. One way to address this tendency is to just start to listen to yourself for "shoulds" and challenge their validity and relevence to your life by asking self questions like: "Why is doing this important to me right now?" "How does this fit in with what is important to me right now?" "Where do I want to invest my energy right now and why is that important?" If the answer leads you in a positive direction or confirms something meaningful to you, then it is logical to keep investing energy in it as a pursuit. However, if the answer indicates that the energy investment is not important to you and is perhaps only to others, then you need to decide if it is an investment you are still willing to make, or alternatively, is there is something else you can be doing with that time and energy that would work and feel better for you. Another factor contributing to imbalance is the presence of pervasive "Limiting Beliefs". Limiting beliefs are conclusions and statements we make to ourselves, that we hold out as truths or facts that have no actual basis in reality and hold us back in some way. Examples of limiting beliefs that contribute to imbalance are statements such as "If I take time away from my children to exercise then I am a bad parent" (I hear this one alot) or "If I do not complete my "To Do" list to perfection then I am a failure" or " I cannot delegate because the job will not be done as well as if I do it myself" or "If I ask for help I am weak or somehow deficient" - you get the idea. Many of us operate often unknowingly under these limiting beliefs, without taking the time to stop, listen and analyse their validity and the negative effect. We are also often really attached to these beliefs, as their underlying intention is usually protective or positive in some way, despite their negative outward manifestation. An exercise I have many of my clients do to facilitate conscious discrimination around our belief system is to have them consciously start listening to their own self talk - a hard habbit to get into at first, but well worth it. Carrying around a small notebook and writing down thoughts, reasoning, self statements and impressions for a couple of days can be a very telling and effective way to get back into your own head. Once you have an idea of some of the limiting beliefs you are carrying, then you can ask yourself what the underlying positive intention might be - is the intention behind feeling guilt over going the gym to make you a more engaged parent? Is the pressure over a completed "To Do" list intended to motivate productivity? Once you know the intention, you can choose a more adaptive belief that still fulfills the orriginal intention e.g. " Going to the gym makes me happier and healthier and therefore a more engaged and energetic parent" or " Delegating tasks empowers others to be more effective". The third major contributing factor I often see when people are out of balance is ineffective time management and unrealistic expectations with regards to the "To Do" list mentioned earlier. I meet with many people who report being chronically overwhelmed by the list of things they feel they should accomplish in a day. Often they describe their "To Do" list as a noisy jumble of urgent tasks floating around menacingly in their heads. They set out to be productive and mentally start going over what needs to be done and are instantly overwhelmed, not knowing how or where to start, subsequently shutting down and accomplishing little. One effective solution I have found is the use of a qualified "To Do" List. A mistake people make is not taking the time at the beginning of the day, to quickly analyse the things on their list and qualify them into their need and importance, the result being an abstact list full of tasks competing for top priority that is often unrealistic and impossible to achieve. Taking 5 minutes to break your list down into qualified categories is a really simple way of prioritising, gaining perspective and keeping it real. The three categories I use with my clients are: 1. Things that need to happen today: (urgent and important) Note: urgent implies something that is time sensitive not just urgent because you want it to happen 2. Things that ideally would happen today but can wait if need be (important but not urgent) 3. Things that would be nice if they happened but can also be done later (not urgent and not important) Once broken down into prioritised categories, the list will seem less overwhelming and become more realistic, manageable and achievable. Life these days is certainly demanding and full of pressures and balance is one of those things that naturally waxes and wanes over time - even for Life Coaches - yes its true, but living more consciously in touch with our thoughts and feelings and in alignment with the things that are truly important and meaningful to us makes maintaining a healthier and balanced fluctuation an achievable reality. | |
| | | PATCHWORK | | | noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) | | | : something composed of miscellaneous or incongruous parts : I prefer the antonym. I am thinking of words like integrity, cohesion, blended. I am looking at this beautiful art work of Cheryl Sorg's . (She inspires me --that is for another post.) I actually own a small piece of patchwork collage made by Cheryl that is hanging in my office. And right now PATCHWORK feels like a generative way of thinking about my life. My career life's work, over time and in present day has been a juxtaposition of different roles, different contexts, different ways of contributing and collaborating. Any given day is a patchwork of people, places and activities. My brain is a patchwork of texts, melodies, new thoughts and memories. My heart is a patchwork of emotions. This is important to me because patchwork (as so beautifully illustrated by Cheryl Sorg) is thoughtful and coherent. There is reason and meaning. Each element is important in its own right. And together it is a creation- in the divine sense of that word. It is a thing of beauty. Does the metaphor work for you? If not, what would you suggest? | |
| | | FEAR.LESS | | | noreply@blogger.com (Pearl Mattenson, CPCC, ACC) | | | Dear Friends, If you are not yet familiar with fearlessstories.com and the work of Ishita Gupta et al then this is a great time to learn. I have been following the creation and growth of this online magazine since its inception. Their content is powerful, and I never fail to learn something that has lasting value for my life. Today I am proud to be featured on their site. The piece is based on an interview I did with Ishita Gupta last year. I talk very personally about fear, survival strategies that have lost their power for me and how the lessons I have learned as a coach sustain me through the tough times. . I hope you find it valuable. Please take a moment to leave a comment or reaction or even share your own story. And thank you too for sharing it widely in your own networks. And don’t forget to peruse the archives. You will like what you find. | |
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| | | | Coach Profile Spotlight | | | | Marcia Dorfman | | | I love to work with busy professionals helping them get to the core of what matters so they can create work and life on their own terms. I help them articulate and focus on their goals, their priorities and their possibilities, as well as learn new ways to bring out the absolute best in themselves and others. | | | Full Profile & Contact Information... | |
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| | | Brett McBurnie | | | Brett McBurnie comes to coaching from a diverse and unique background. Born in Toronto in 1951, he attended school in East York and eventually went on to study Classical Studies (Greek and Latin); at the University of Toronto , with the purpose in mind of pursuing a general but well rounded education. | | | Full Profile & Contact Information... | |
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| | | Pearl Mattenson, | | | Pearl’s clients become better leaders, and better people. They are better at having the real conversations that create results. They are better at moving their organization towards the changes they believe in. They are working more collaboratively and learning to thrive in teams and partnerships. | | | Full Profile & Contact Information... | |
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| | | | Lynnette Vetsch | | | Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you were on the RIGHT path? Do you think about having that INCREDIBLE relationship? Well Amaxa Coaching and Training Services is here to help you put the WOW back into your world! | | | Full Profile & Contact Information... | |
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| | | Tara Enns | | | Tara Enns (ACC) is a professional life coach and a credentialed member of the International Coach Federation (ICF), who owns and operates Solution Pathways, her private coaching and personal development practice. As a coach, Tara is passionate about connecting people with their inner brilliance... | | | Full Profile & Contact Information... | |
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| | | Lowell Ann Fuglsang | | | Just drifting in your career? Could your career be more fulfilling? Is your career serving or consuming you? Take charge of your situation with the guidance of workstyle-lifestyle coach Lowell Ann Fuglsang. Enhance the quality of your career now. You deserve it! | | | Full Profile & Contact Information... | |
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