"I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."
— Agatha Christie
{Image via soulselfliving.com)
"Self-Talk: Saboteur? Or Personal Success Coach?"
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In the last edition of my e-newsletter Simply Success, I talked about noticing -- and changing — "shoulds" and "nutty beliefs." Doing so is one way of monitoring your "self-talk."
Self-talk is that almost continuous stream of chatter that goes on in the back of your mind all day.
"Roof brain chatter," as some psychologists call it, can have a major effect on your mood — especially if it is full of negative judgments about you, your behavior, others and their behaviour, and the world around you. (I.e, the three nutty beliefs!)
But self-talk can also seem innocuous and still have a negative or positive effect.
On a bright, sunny summer day, for example, I might say to myself, "This is lovely weather." But, if I lived at the edge of a dried-out forest, and the sunny, hot weather was increasing the risk of wildfires, I might not think the very same weather was so "lovely." I'd be more inclined to judge, "This sucks!"
At times, self-talk is negative: "This is too hard; I'll never finish; what's the point?"
At other times, it's positive: "I know how to do this. Step by step. Effort trumps talent. Put in my miles and, eventually, I'll create my result!
When my self talk is negative, it's like carrying around a pessimistic saboteur in your mind.
When it's positive (realistically positive!) it's like having your own personal life coach encouraging you, cheering you on to make your life and work look, in reality, as they look in your visions of desired results .
Me, I prefer the success coach's encouragement to the nay-sayer's pessimism!
Monitoring Your Self Talk
Much of your day-to-day and hour-to-hour mood shifts are due to your self-talk, to judgments, for example, that you make without being aware of them. So, a key step to managing your moods and increasing your capacity to create what matters is becoming aware of what you're thinking and saying to yourself.
By monitoring my self-talk, I'm able to filter out much of the unnecessary negative, and focus on the realistic positive. It makes a big difference in how I feel and act — and in my results!
So how do you monitor your self talk?
Basically, you just pay attention to it. Notice what you're saying to yourself, especially if you're feeling negative emotions. They are signals that you may be indulging in negative self-talk.
Sometimes, though, it's hard to notice what you're saying to yourself, or the story you're spinning. Try these techniques to improve your self-talk monitoring ability.
Keep A Journal
Journaling or keeping a diary is a good way to monitor self-talk. Writing out your thoughts helps you to see them with more objectivity. It help you notice negative thoughts and challenge them.
It can help you dispute sweeping generalizations such as, "This weather sucks," or "I can't do this."
It can help you amass evidence to the contrary, finding the good in even challenging weather, or listing examples of things you have done.
Reflecting in your journal can help you notice and shift your self-talk from negative to positive. I use a journal regularly to coach myself in thinking rationally.
Find Emotionally “Hot” Trigger words.
Trigger words such as “never,” “always,” “ever,” “totally,” “nothing,” “nobody,” “all,” “every,” “everything,” etc…. tend to exaggerate and even absolutize what you perceive to be negative reality.
These “hot” words are emotionally charged. Usually with a negative charge!
Think about when someone says about you, “You never do … !” Or, “Why don't you ever…?”
Do you get a little hot under the collar? Most people do. The emotional charge on the words "never" and "ever" set them off.
A quick way to cool off hot words is to add “almost” to them.
Change “You never take out the garbage!” to “You almost never take out the garbage!” That'll take the heat off, and allow you to see reality more objectively and accurately. Perhaps the actual reality is, “You take out the garbage on weekends.”
Look for examples of mind reading.
Look for instances in which you project intent on other people or things. “
That stupid computer is out to get me.” “Those idiots are laughing behind my back.” Or, “She'll never notice me, no matter what I do.”
You don't really know what the others (or the computer) are thinking. You are speculating, guessing at the their thoughts, or just plain making them up. Then you react to them as if they were real. But they're not!
So watch for mind reading, and try to be at ease with what you don't know. Try to get accurate, objective information by asking questions.
Describe Reality; Don't Judge It!
Look for judgments such as, “This relationship sucks,” or “I'll never learn to use this accounting program.” Change them to accurate, objective descriptions of reality.
"I'll never learn this accounting program," might change to "This is hard, and I can get it right, yet, but I know from experience, that if I work at it, it'll get easier."
"I can never trust my partner!" might become “I don't trust my partner to be on time.”
“This weather sucks!” is a judgment. “It's 0 degrees C. and windy” is a description.
Judgments are “hot.” Descriptions are “cool.”
Look for all or nothing thinking such as, “My diet is wrecked; I might as well eat all the ice cream.” “I didn't write this morning, so I might as well blow the whole day.”
Look for exaggerations such as, “She wrecked my life.” “I was devastated when I didn't get the job.” Oh, yeah? Like Haiti was devastated by the earthquake?
Look for catastrophic conclusions such as, “My whole life is totally and utterly mucked up, so there's no point in me doing anything.”
The Power of Yet
Add "yet" to statements such as "I can't do it."
Adding "yet" to the sentence turns it into a description of your reality, and leads to creative tension and action. "I can't do this yet," is a very different than "I can't do it."
If you want to create something and say, "I can't do it," or "I can't afford it," or some other such absolute statement, it negates the energy of your desire. It stops you in your tracks, and can make you feel helpless, or even hopeless.
But if you want to create something, and say, "I can't do it, yet," or "I can't afford it yet," it's a more accurate, objective description of your reality. As well, creative tension forms between the desire and the reality, increasing the energy available for action.
Energized, you think, "How then should I proceed?" and suddenly, you're trying again. You're learning. The thing you want to create doesn't look so big, and your reality doesn't seem so overwhelming.
This is a great way to get unstuck, on track and moving toward your goals.
Change Your Self-Talk; Change Your Life!
By changing your self-talk, you can change your mood, generate energy, and get yourself into action.
And, through action, you can learn to create what you want without what you previously thought was absolutely necessary. That's the beauty of creating!
So, when you feel miserable or down or frightened or stalled, check your self-talk. Notice whether your inner voice is the nay-saying saboteur or the encouraging, supportive life coach. Choose which one you'd prefer to listen to.
Make a couple of adjustments, and perhaps you, too, will realize that "just to be alive is a grand thing."
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A Helpful E-Book
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How's your self-talk? Can you recognize it, challenge it, and adjust it to support your passions and purposes?
If so, keep it up! If not, want some help? My Emotional Mastery e-book has more tips and techniques such as the above!
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PERSONAL LIFE COACHING INFO PACKAGE & F.REE COACHING CHAT
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Kate Wolf sang, "Find something you really care about, and live a life that shows it!"
Would you like help clarifying and committing to what you really care about, and creating a life that shows it?
I have space for 3 clients in April/May. And I'm interviewing now for May/June.
If you'd like more info, send me an e-mail with "Coaching Package" as subject.
I'll send you my fr.ee 7-page info package. No obligation! No pressure!
Here's what another happy client had to say about working with me:
"Bruce's understanding of what it takes to break free from old patterns and move forward surpasses most "coaches" I've had. His simple yet practical recipe for simplicity and success motivates me daily and keeps me on track."
— Lisa Cherry, Writer, Filmmaker, Toronto, ON
If not now, when?
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VIDEO:
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Resilience: Stress Management "Made Easy"
Here's a very short (1:19 min) but catchy video on quick, easy things you can do to make yourself more resilient. I'm gonna take more 20 minute breaks! Check it out. It'll make you feel good just watching it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbxYeYYxbgU
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QUOTABLE QUOTES
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"If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience."
~Robert Fulghum
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."
~Mary Engelbreit
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
~Buddha
"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known."
~Garrison Keillor
"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful."
~Barbara Bloom
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